How to manage visitors after your baby arrives

Everyone wants to meet the baby. You want to rest, feed, and get to know this new little person. Both things can be true. Here's how to welcome people without losing your first weeks to an open door and a buzzing phone.

Decide what you want before the baby comes

The easiest time to set boundaries is before you're exhausted. Sit down together in the last weeks of pregnancy and agree on a few things:

• Who comes first. Many families keep the first few days for grandparents only, then open up.
• How long visits last. An hour is plenty in the early weeks. Thirty minutes is fine too.
• Which days and times work. Mornings after a feed? Early afternoons? Leave evenings free.
• What you'll say yes and no to. Holding the baby, photos, posting online, bringing children.

Write it down. When you're tired, you'll be glad the decisions are already made.

Set visiting times, not an open door

The single most effective change is to offer specific times instead of "pop in whenever". When people choose from times you've set, you know who is coming and when, and nobody turns up during a feed or a nap. Keep the number of visits per day low (one or two is common) and leave whole days with nothing booked.

Write a few simple visiting rules

Short, kind rules save awkward conversations. Share them before anyone arrives. Some families use:

• Please stay home if you're unwell, even with a sniffle.
• Wash your hands when you arrive.
• Please don't kiss the baby's face.
• Ask before posting photos.
• Visits are about an hour. We may need to cut it short, and that's okay.

If you have questions about vaccinations or illness around a newborn, ask your midwife, child health nurse or GP. They can tell you what matters for your baby.

Put someone else in charge of the door

Mum shouldn't have to manage the guest list while she recovers. Choose one person, such as your husband, your mum or a close friend, to answer the messages, confirm times and gently move people along when the hour is up. A single point of contact also stops the "but your sister said Tuesday was fine" mix-ups.

Ask for help in one place

Visitors often ask, "What can I bring?" Have an answer ready. Meals, groceries, a load of washing, walking the dog or minding older children are often more useful than another gift. Keep one list, so people can see what's already covered and you don't end up with three lasagnes on the same night. Sending one link is far easier than replying to twenty messages.

What to say when someone just turns up

It will probably happen at least once. A warm, firm line helps:

"It's so lovely of you to come. We're not up for visitors right now. Can I send you a time that works this week?"

"We've just got the baby down, so we're keeping things quiet today. Thank you for thinking of us."

Take the flowers or the meal at the door if they've brought one. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

When family disagree about timing

Grandparents often want to come early and stay long, and it can cause friction. Agree on the plan as a couple first, then let the person closest to each relative share it. Giving everyone the same set of times to choose from takes the personal sting out of it: it's the plan, not a judgement about who matters most.

Know when to pause

Feeding is hard, someone is unwell, or you've simply had enough. It's fine to stop visits for a few days. Say so once, to everyone, and reopen when you're ready. The people who love you will understand.